By Blackcat Washingpaw
The forthcoming presidential elections in Whiskerland will see a new feline rise to power as leader of the free cat world. Who will it be? Let’s cut to the chase – I think it should be me.
As your glossiest and best-smelling prospective presidential candidate in the aforementioned whisker-twitching elections, I come bearing ten promises as tempting as a tub of Cat Crack. And I guarantee, there will almost certainly be no, or at least very few (less than 10) U-turns. I can and will (possibly) deliver, because right at the heart of my campaign, is the belief that catnip belongs at the heart of a happy, vibrant, world-beating Whiskerland. Read on for my ten-point ‘catifesto’.
But first, here’s why catnip matters…
What is Catnip, and Why do Cats Like it?
Catnip isn’t just a plant - it’s a gateway to peace, euphoria, and enlightenment. It’s like three things, which, for added impact, all rhyme:
- Finding a sunny spot on a chilly day.
- Finding a table tennis ball ready to play.
- Finding a religion to take you all the way
…all rolled into one. And why do cats like catnip? Because cat nip is a gateway to peace, euphoria, and enlightenment - just like I said - which doesn’t require fortune or sacrifice. You don’t need the right weather, a dose of luck, or a lifetime commitment to a deity you’re not quite sure about. It simply arrives in a pot, you get involved, and then 15 minutes later, everything’s back to normal (just better), and you can get on with your paw-some cat life.
Is Catnip Good for Cats?
You bet your whiskers! It’s not just about the kick - it’s about mental health and well-being; it’s about exercising our hunting instincts to keep us agile and sharp. It’s a natural stress reliever, perfect for those tense moments when a dog approaches our dinner. If I could make ‘one wish for Whiskerland,’ it would be to conquer stress forever, one blissful sniff at a time!
So what’s the plan?
My Catifesto: Ten Pawsitive Policies for Whiskerland
As your future president, here’s what I promise to bring to Whiskerland – a catifesto that’s as irresistible as a cardboard box with closable lids. With my fine furry paw placed solemnly on the Catnip Catalog, I hereby pledge:
- Free Daily Chin Scratches: chin rubs for all, with extra cuddles for seniors who’ve seen their fair share of catnip-induced zoomies
- Endless Free Hits of Cat Crack: Let’s face it – ‘catnip for cats’ is a slogan you’ll hear my rivals blurting out all the time – but what does it actually mean? Cat Crack isn’t just catnip – it’s the best catnip, 100% organic catnip – meaning no GMOs or artificial nasties, just a highest potency natural high which smells like heaven, not next door’s litter box. That’s what I’ll give you. Vote for me now!
- No Touching the Legs: a decree that shall go down in Whiskerland history – no touching of the sacred legs by silly humans! Whether sleeping, sunbathing, or contemplating the meaning of life, our legs are off-limits. Keep our dignity intact, or prepare to be violently attacked.
- The Cone of Shame for All Dogs: it’s time to level the playing field. Henceforth, all dogs shall wear the Cone of Shame for every misdemeanor, be it barking too loudly or simply existing in our presence. It’s payback time!
- An End to Rain: Enough with the wet paws and soggy fur! I vow to negotiate with the weather gods (humans) for an end to rain, replacing it with endless sunshine and warm breezes to make napping under bushes a bit more chill.
- National Nap Day: Every Tuesday shall be declared National Nap Day, where all businesses will close to accommodate the sacred ritual of uninterrupted snoozing. It’s time to reclaim our right to sleep 20 hours a day. Other days we may have to restrict it to 16.
- Fish Fridays: Every Friday, every household will receive a free fresh fish delivery – tuna, salmon, sardines, you name it! Mainly tuna, though. Humans must think we only like fish – whenever there’s a hungry cat in a cartoon, they show fish bones as a form of torture. It’s nonsense, but let’s keep them happy because happy humans = more Cat Crack for us. Simple.
- Mandatory Cat Yoga: In the pursuit of inner balance and physical prowess, every cat over the age of six months shall attend weekly cat yoga sessions. Picture it: downward-facing cat, upward-stretching paws. Namaste. We will be bendier than dogs.
- Catnip Research Fund: I propose the establishment of a Catnip Research Fund dedicated to exploring new uses and applications of catnip. To help out, I will take a lot of the stuff – I pledge to give my body to science for the good of Whiskerland. From enhancing dream experiences to discovering new varieties to induce synchronized purring, this fund will ensure our catnip future remains innovative and exciting.
- A Catnip Cat Toy Revolution. Imagine every kitty household equipped with catnip-stuffed toys made in my image – how cool would that be?! As your purr-esident, I pledge to ensure every kitten and cat has access to its own complete set of Blackcat Washingpaw commemorative catnip dolls.
One Catnip, One Future!
Catnip isn’t just a harmless herb – it’s a catalyst for change, a symbol of our feline freedom, and a pathway to happiness. Plus, it makes you feel really, really good. By electing me as your president – as I believe you will - you’re not just choosing a leader; you’re choosing a caped catnip crusader who will ensure your right to roll, purr, and dribble at will remain sacred.
Together, can we make Whiskerland great again? Yes, we cat. Just vote Blackcat Washingaw at the forthcoming presidential elections to make your home the happiest place on earth – one free hit of Cat Crack at a time!
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