It's day 11 of my undercover operation, and I've hit a wall. Literally. As they brought me into the station, they threw me into the wall. I don't blame them, though. They figure I'm a catnip pusher. Someone trying to get the whole city hooked on the Green Fairy. There was a time when I would have roughed up the same kind of people.
Before I saw the light. Before I realized the truth.
"Uh, Detective? You know you're narrating out loud, right?"
I paused.
"I am?" I asked.
"Yeah, you've been doing it for the last hour or so. You've been saying a lot of crazy stuff." The officer sitting next to me explained what was going on.
"Well, it's all true," I replied.
"What's true?" he asked.
"Whatever I've been saying. It's all true. Catnip isn't addictive. It's a useful plant that can help cats calm down and feel their best."
"That's not what you've been saying. You've been talking about some cat named Felin and how much you want to be with her."
Silence hung in the air. Maybe when they threw me into the wall, my internal monologue started becoming external.
Suddenly, the captain, my boss, stormed into the room.
"What in kitty litter is going on?" He yelled.
Is Catnip Addictive?
The captain brought me into his office for some one-on-one time.
"Yes, I know. I'm here. You don't have to tell me." The captain said.
"Wait, did I say that out loud?" I replied.
"You've been narrating everything since I grabbed you."
I paused. Am I narrating out loud right now? I waited to see if the captain would say anything. He just stared into my eyes.
"I think the better question is why you're getting pinched pushing cat nip to a group of young high school kids? Is that what Kingpin and his crew are having you do? Push the Green Fairy to minors? Like a bunch of sickos?" His voice raised with each new sentence.
"Look, you gotta believe me, I've been finding out a lot about catnip and Cat Crack lately. It's not as bad as you think!" I pleaded.
What Does Catnip Do to Cats?
Catnip can make cats playful and relaxed when they sniff it. If a cat ingests catnip, it can act as a sedative, helping them fall asleep and feel mellow
"Do you know what does catnip do to cats?" He bellowed. We both paused as he said it. "Yeah, I heard it. I'm just so angry!" He slammed his paw into the desk.
"Yes, I know all about cat nip. I've sampled some of it myself. It's liberating! It's not a hard drug, like everyone says!" I stood up to see him eye-to-eye.
"And yet, they call it Cat Crack," he replied.
I stopped. He did have a point. But despite the name, I know the 'Nip isn't addictive. If anything, I’m just addicted to its positive health benefits.
"Why do you keep doing that? Did you hit your head or something?"
"I'm narrating again?" I asked.
"Yes! And it's freaking me out!"
Maybe I'll need to see a psychologist about this. If I can't run my internal monologue in private, that could be pretty bad for me. I think about a lot of sensitive topics.
The captain sat back down to scribble something on a scrap of paper. He handed it to me.
"Here. Here's the number for the department psychologist. I hope you can get this sorted out soon before you start blabbing about department secrets to the wrong person."
Wait, did he hear my monologue? Or was that just based on previous interactions?
"Yes, I can hear you! Every word! Maybe it's all that cat nip you've been taking!" He shouted.
"Impossible. Catnip doesn't affect the brain like that!" Does it?
"Yes, it does! Why do you think we're trying to get it off the streets?! Why do cats like catnip? Because it scrambles their brains!"
"Wait, have you talked with Dr. Scratch yet? He's on the Mayor's anti-catnip task force," I stammered.
"Don't worry, we'll get to him soon enough. He's become just as delusional as you, trying to convince everyone of the supposed 'health benefits' of the Green Fairy. Talking about how it helps shy cats come out of their shell and nervous cats calm down. He won't be on the task force for too much longer." The captain explained.
"Look, all I'm saying is that if you take a free hit, you'll understand what I'm talking about," I replied.
"I ain't taking a free hit! And you need to see the psychologist before I'll let you near any more catnip! You're off the case until further notice!"
The captain's voice rang in my ears. Off the case. Until further notice. I can't help but think that Felin won't like that.
"Who's Felin? Your contact in the cartel?"
Dang it! I really need to get back to internal monologues. They're a hard-boiled detective's bread and butter. Without my monologue, I'm just a regular beat cop, thinking about doughnuts and coffee and traffic citations.
"Detective! I can still hear you! Maybe cut it out for now. Don't think about anything until you've met with Dr. Patches. Once she straightens you out, then we can talk about you nailing Felin and the rest of the cartel."
Nail Felin? Was he suggesting what I think he was suggesting?
"No! I meant nail her legally! Like arrest her? What is wrong with you? Go see Dr. Patches right now." The captain pointed toward the door.
What is Catnip?
Catnip, or Nepeta cataria, is a plant that is part of the mint family. It’s native to Europe and Asia, but it grows well in North America.
"Detective? Can I help you?"
I suddenly snapped back to attention. "Dr. Patches?" I asked.
"Yes, that's me. You looked like you were in a trance," she replied.
"Sorry, I just had to clear my mind. It seems I can't stop speaking my internal voice out loud. The captain thinks it's catnip-related, but I'm 80 percent sure it isn't."
"Why would he think it's catnip-related? Are you taking cat nip?" She asked.
"I'm part of an undercover sting. So yes, I've sampled some catnip;" I replied.
"I see." She scribbled some notes into her notebook. Then, she stood up and closed her office door. "What I'm about to tell you cannot leave this room."
I sat there in stunned silence. What was she going to say? She stared at me. Am I doing it again?
"Yes, you're doing it again. But it's not the catnip. I took a free hit the other day to see what its effects are, and I know what you're talking about," she whispered.
"Is catnip addictive?" I whispered back.
Why Do Cats Like Catnip?
As a natural plant, catnip is not addictive to cats. It’s virtually impossible for felines to experience withdrawal symptoms or overdose on catnip.
“Cats like catnip because it makes us feel good. If we’re nervous, it helps us come out of our shell. If we can’t sleep, it can make us relax and get drowsy. If we’re stressed, catnip can alleviate our woes in less time than it takes for an episode of Paw and Order.” Dr. Patches explained.
“So, what you’re saying is, Cat Crack is the Cat’s Meow?” I asked.
“Exactly. Cat Crack isn’t a scourge of the underworld, it’s a beneficial medicinal herb that can benefit practically everyone in Whisker City.”
“So, what now?” I asked.
“Let’s get your head fixed, then we’ll figure that out,” she replied.
Cat Crack for the Masses
Catnip is an all-natural plant that makes cats playful, energized, and relaxed. Cat nip like Cat Crack is an excellent option for cats experiencing anxiety, depression, or sleep problems.
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