It’s time the younger generation of cats learned what life used to be like - when catnip was illegal.
An opinion piece by Windy No-Tail
My Grandkitten was lapping gently at a saucer of milk the other day. She’s reached a catnip-appropriate age, and she does have the catnip gene, but only recently did she have her first sniff of the good stuff. Now she’s off her nut on nepetalactone at every possible opportunity. While it’s a blessing to see cats of all ages, free to enjoy this natural wonder-herb, I also feel the younger generation should hear about what life used to be like: back when catnip was illegal in Whisker City.
I asked my Grandkitten – Little Tabby Fluffkins – what she knew about the prohibition era and sadly, little white-whiskered sweetheart that she is, she just mewed at me softly, did a ‘question mark tail’ and wandered off. It’s not her fault, though. Or the fault of the schools. This is social history. This is the responsibility of families and communities. And sometimes we forget to pass this stuff down - we’re too busy celebrating the good times, to remember the bad.
And actually, it wasn’t all bad. There was a sense of camaraderie – it was all cats versus the senselessness of the ban. Few felt that what we were doing was wrong. Still, though, those days were important because they paved the way for how we live today. So that night, I climbed up into the attic, got down a dusty chest that’s lain untouched for many cat decades – back from when I had a tail - and pulled out something I thought could help: my teenage diary. I dosed myself up on premium cat nip, opened it up, and was immediately transported back to a faraway time and place. And I’d like to share with you the following ‘week’ of entries, just as I shared it the very next day with the wide-eyed Little Tabby Fluffkins. Here it is…
My Mad Cat Teenage Diary - What Does Catnip Do to Cats?
Monday
Why do cats like catnip? What does catnip do to cats? It must be brilliant, because I found out today that it’s ILLEGAL! This means Mom and Dad are criminals, as they take it all the time – but they don’t look like criminals. Odd! And cats on catnip always seem really happy. Everyone says it doesn’t work on kittens under six human months – but this weekend, I turn 6 months, so I’m going to get some. I’m not sure how, but I will! In other news, I ate some fresh tuna - it was OK, but I prefer the tinned stuff, which Mom says is junk food - and watched a TV program about birds. It was cool – one day I’m going to catch a bird myself. Feathers look tasty!
Tuesday
Got up. Had a nap. Got up. Had a nap. Got up. Had a nap. Followed that pattern as per normal, but I feel like I’m sleeping a lot less these days. I wonder if I would win a fight with a fox? I can’t wait for the weekend when I’m going to try catnip. I don’t care what Mom and Dad say – it’s not fair, and I’m trying it. Dad took some tonight – he was dribbling. He kept telling me he loved me, and then he fell asleep with his tongue hanging out.
Wednesday
Found out today that it’s not possible to fly. Then I spoke with Dad about catnip. He said I could ask him anything, so I said, ‘Can I have some catnip?’ and he said no. I said, ‘Why not?’ and he said, ‘You’ve had your question; try again tomorrow.’ I can’t wait to leave home – it’s so unfair. I might run away and try and find my five siblings all born at the same time as me. Not until I’ve got hold of some free catnip though. Anyway, I asked Grandma: ‘What is catnip?’. She’d just had some, so rather than answer the question, she told me a long, rambling story packed full of strong opinions but also some moments of acute wisdom. She said that when she was born, catnip was legal, and she believed that one day it would be again. I asked why it was illegal now, and she said that we ‘live in a material world, but catnip is a natural plant available to everyone – they don’t like that because it means one person can’t own all the fun and make all the money - so to stop people arguing over who does, they just ban it completely and make up a story that it’s bad.’ I didn’t know it was a natural plant. She said it was ‘like cat mint – but with a turbo injection.’ ‘But does catnip get cats high?’ I asked. She said: ‘Yes – but that doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing – it’s completely natural, like love.’ I asked how she knew it would get legalized, and she said: ‘Bumpy will make it happen because Bumpy just wants all cats to be happy.’ Then she fell asleep. Who’s Bumpy?
Thursday
Today, I chased a dust bunny and pretended it was a rat. I caught it and killed it. Then I saw people were laughing at me and I got embarrassed. Maybe I am still a kitten? I asked Mom what she thought, and she said, ‘Don’t worry about it – your dad’s always doing ridiculous things. He’s 12 in human years, and the other day I caught him wondering who his reflection was.’ Then I asked Grandma who Bumpy was, and she said, ‘The greatest cat who ever lived – he gets us all into catnip with free hits. I asked her what a free hit was, and she said it’s a free catnip sample – of the best catnip that you can get. She had one – I was shocked. She asked when my birthday was, and I said, ‘Today?’ like it was a question. She gave me some catnip. It’s not at all like cat mint!! I don’t think life will ever be the same again…
Friday
OMG, I love catnip. I told Mom and Dad I’m addicted to catnip and they just laughed and said, ‘No you’re not, it’s non-addictive – but I’m glad you like it.’ I asked why they’d never given it to me before if that was their attitude, and Dad just sighed and said, ‘That’s peer pressure for you.’ Then he gave me a free hit. Wow – it gets better every time.
Saturday
Today, I met Bumpy and his crew. There was a cool kid called Kingpin. One day, I want to be like Kingpin, handing out catnip free hits, making the world a better place – or maybe one day, catnip will be legal. I will describe what it’s like. It’s that feeling when someone scratches a bit you can’t reach, plus that feeling when you’re rolling in a dusty spot in the morning sun, plus that feeling when you do a sudden zoomie all around the room, plus that feeling when you’re really full of food and just want to smile and then snooze, plus that feeling when you’re having a good dream – it’s all of that times a zillion.
Sunday
I think it’s my birthday today. I don’t really care. Time is no longer a concept I subscribe to. There is only catnip. Also, there aren’t really any presents anyone can get me that would be better than a free hit of catnip. Lucky that’s what I got given. Whoop!
Do Cats Like Catnip?
So there we are. A slice of life of a young kitten from Whisker City’s catnip prohibition era – fascinating to be able to share that tail and then explain that my own grandpa and Bumpy, they were right. When catnip was legalized, we found a way to make it work, and it was simple: let anyone sell catnip, that’s fine, because ultimately, cats just want the best catnip, so they’ll gravitate towards that. And that’s what Bumpy had. And that’s what Kingpin turned into Cat Crack. An incredible story. And it just goes to show that the past is always a lesson – we shouldn’t be afraid of sharing it.
Have you got fun stories about or pictures/videos of you enjoying catnip? Share them here.
Find out more about the story of Bumpy, Kingpin and the rise of Cat Crack here.
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